Bill Snyder Laughed SO Hard…: I was an Olympian (sort of)

BAHHH! BAHHHHHH! BIB-BAH-BAH-BAHH-BAH! BAH-BIB-BAH-BAH-BAH-BIB-BAH-BAH-BAH-BIBBIDY-BAH-BAH-BAAHHHHHHHHHH!

It’s Olympics time, ladies and gents – the only sporting event that people pretend they are experts about once every four years! Nonetheless, the London Games are “go”, and the world’s fake unity reminds me of my own history as an Olympian.

Yes… that’s right, my faithful readers. I was an Olympian in high school. A Barnyard Olympian.

The Barnyard Olympics are a tried and true test of not just one’s self, but also of one’s collective 4-H club — and the Walnut Valley 4-H Club had the goods: they had me.

Unlike the actual Olympics, however, the Barnyard Games are held every year in my hometown of Winfield, Kan., during the Cowley County Fair – which kicks off tonight with what I’m assuming is a motorcycle/dirt bike demolition derby (hey… old cars are getting harder and harder to find!).

The memories of my lone performance in the main show ring of the Barnyard Olympics/Everything Else are fuzzy. I think I might have had to hurdle square hay bales in the 60-foot freestyle, and I’m quite certain my efforts in the 40-foot Carry Egg with Spoon relay raised the eyebrows of many of the on-looking fair board members. I’m also certain I raised the eyebrows of many of my teammates’ fathers, for my team – and other teams – was full of text-book, super-hot examples of “the farmer’s daughter”.

Though my memory of the actual results of my efforts are hazy – it was after all, over a decade ago – I’m positive I won. I’m sure I did. After all… I’m awesome! Yes, I remember that feeling of dominance, and after I saw Michael Phelps celebrate after his relay team won the gold – and thus became the most decorated Olympian ever – I smiled. Why? Because I knew what he was feeling. Because Winfield’s favorite son experienced that level of badassery in the Barnyard Olympics.

• Speaking of Phelps… wow! Is that guy not amazing? He was a microsecond away from winning the gold in the 200-meter butterfly Tuesday and a short time later was the anchor for the relay team in the aforementioned gold-winning Olympic-record performance. The crazy thing about the London Games version of Phelps? You just know he’s treating this thing like an after-party following a fraternity/sorority date night! I’m quite certain he had his 12th beer-bong two hours before the butterfly and slept with the hot gymnastics girl from Russia 45 minutes before the relay race. God bless him.
• In college football news, the man behind Jug of Snyder — Mr. Dean Jameson — has released his Top 25 Preseason Poll. He has K-State in the very respectable No. 10 spot (I personally think the sky’s the limit for this squad) and he is a big fan of the Big 12. He has six other teams, including Iowa State at No. 20. I just have one qualm with Jameson’s predictions, and that’s the lack of Penn State in the mix. C’mon! It’s their year!
• Seriously, does anyone realize just how BAKED Michael Phelps most-likely was Tuesday!? This man is a LEGEND.
• What the hell has NBC been doing with their Olympics coverage? Honestly, them pretending like social media doesn’t exist has not only insulted my intelligence, but has taken all the pop out of the actual events.
• Forget about that last part of my spiel on Jameson’s Top 25 Preseason Poll. For some reason I forgot Penn State got caught red-handed covering up a member of its own staff raping boys and getting the hammer of Thor himself thrown down upon it by the NCAA. I can’t believe I acted like that terrible set of events never happened. This must be what a Penn State student feels like.
• Anyone know how many years the “fist-bump” has left? I don’t want to end up looking stupid.
• How bad has NBC failed? I overheard an OLD guy complain about the tape-delay… and I highly doubt he is on Twitter.
• Can Team USA hoops really lose… ever? This is the ONE Olympic event where other countries LITERALLY play for second-place. Seriously, the guy from Tunisia got Kobe’s AUTOGRAPH AFTER THE GAME Tuesday.
• I really wish our local politicians would just say it. “Vote for me because I look like Bill Snyder.” He has my vote.
• How about the U.S. Women’s Gymnastics team? First gold medal since the famous 1996 squad. I watched it (after knowing what had already transpired… damn you NBC!) and was blown away about A.) how much we kicked ass and B.) how much of a hardass these judges are! The beam has to be four inches wide…TOPS. These girls get docked for glancing down. I can barely keep my car on the ROAD after three drinks!
• I’m opposing gay marriage by going double-time on my shake-weight workout. Keep your gay chicken, Chick-fil-A!
• Actually, I’m kidding. I don’t care who marries who. My imaginary friends growing up were in an openly gay relationship.
• I can’t wait to watch a gymnastic routine where the commentator says, “And we understand her native country has declared war on the region with that mid-steeple flip.”

That’s what’s making Bill Snyder laugh SO hard this week. The floor is soiled with spit-out orange juice and Bill’s knee is bright red after numerous slaps with his arm between chuckles. See you next week and as always, GO STATE (and U! S! A!)!