Bill Snyder Laughed SO Hard…: Praise Tefnut!

“I  think he’s learning what this conference is all about. What I like is his mental toughness. He did a pretty nice job today.” – Bill Snyder on the team’s new equipment manager.

It’s been a hot and dry summer, boys and girls.

It’s been so hot, I scratched all the serial numbers off anything I own with serial numbers. It’s been so hot, I closed my eyes and saw Kate Upton naked with her fictional twin, Kayte. It’s been so hot, I’ve looked up the proper way to fill bath tubs with ice via organ stealing websites.

It’s been so hot, I’ve almost died from heat stroke. Twice.

But last night, something happened: moisture fell from the SKY!!! Ladies and gentleman, the stray cat sacrifices I’ve been doing every night behind the dumpster for the past three weeks have worked! Praise Tefnut, the Egyptian Goddess of Moisture! (On a related note, does anyone have any good tips for getting cat-blood stains out of a 70/30 cotton-poly blend? Also, does anyone have any spar cats? My neighborhood now has a terrible rat problem.)

But seriously, this rain has been much needed. Last time I saw things this hot and dry was when I inadvertently converted an easy 9.5 into a nun.

To the news van, team! Let’s see what is making Bill Snyder laugh SO hard this week:

• Well, the K-State football team missed out on top junior college wide receiver Marquez Clark. Long story short, he failed some classes. This is of course crippling for Snyder’s football team, as the Wildcats have had a long history of acquiring four and five-star recruits. After all, Bryce Brown is a Philadelphia Eagle now.
• So, Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson? In light of this news, I too, have a secret to admit and tell the world. Stewart banged me, too. We did it “vampire style”. It’s exactly what you think it is, but paler.
• It seems West Virginia and TCU are fitting right in to the Big 12 after this week’s league media days. Nothing says “Big 12” like “Mountaineers”.
• How about Penn State? WOW. The NCAA didn’t just “drop the hammer”, no… they took a hike down the Rainbow Bridge, stormed into Asgard and jacked Thor’s tool box!
• I liked the movie “Thor”.
• Stewart and I had a safe word, but it wasn’t a word, it was simply one of us smiling. Guess who caved first?
• There is a reason Snyder hasn’t needed big time recruits to make K-State a success. That man can coach up anybody and sees talent the athletes themselves don’t see. Basically, if he were coaching Notre Dame, he’d started Rudy all four years – and Rudy would be the school sack leader.
• Remember when Bryce Brown wowed us in his first Spring Game? That was nice.
• Does anyone else find it amusing that EA Sports has K-State in the national championship game, yet our own media has the Cats sixth in the CONFERENCE? In other news, CNN has another story on Lindsay Lohan, which is the lead-up story to the civil war in Syria.
• By the way, Lohan apparently got in another fender-bender. She’s the worst woman driver since Danica Patrick.
• Here’s my impression of a Penn State student from this week: “Look… I’m not sayin’ that those kids being boink’d wasn’t wrong…. but ffffOOOTTTBBAAALLLLLL!!!!!”
• Honestly, though, the ruling on Penn State by the NCAA was rough, and it was surreal seeing the video of construction crews taking down Joe Paterno’s statue and the wall surrounding it. But that place is lucky it will even be playing football the next four years. The sexual abuse of children isn’t exactly something you have a serious moment about at the end of Full House, and then come back next week with Uncle Jesse singing an Elvis song while Michelle loses D.J.’s car keys (again!).
• I can’t believe Stewart cheated on Pattinson. He seems like such a normal guy, except for the fact he really is a vampire. Oh, and he’s super weird.

That’s it for this week. Bill is on the floor and clutching his chest in fits of hysterical laughter. (He really digs Twilight jokes.) See ya next week and don’t forget to support K-State track and field super-star Erik Kynard in the Olympics, which begin this weekend!

Go State.