Bill Snyder Laughed SO Hard… The Coach & The Billy Goat

From the Editor: Welcome to the first edition of “Bill Snyder Laughed SO Hard.” You may not always understand what’s going on–no, check that, you probably won’t understand what’s going on. You may begin to wonder, as you read, whether you’ve entered some alternate reality, but do not adjust your dial, as the old saying goes. The lunacy is to be expected.

“I’m pleased we won. That shows character. … I’m more concerned with the fact that we found ways to self destruct. It’s the same as was last week (against Florida International), three turnovers and 90 yards in penalties.” – Bill Snyder, obviously joking

On a hot, clear August day, deep in the majestic Flint Hills, the young and eager Bill William-Reginald Snyder – joined by an intrepid news reporter – hiked through the treacherous countryside filled with tall grass, rocks and steep slopes. Snyder was 68 and when he suddenly stopped after the 10-mile trek, the tired news reporter asked Kansas State’s glorious head football coach why he had done so.

“I stopped, to start living,” Snyder told the news reporter, who, by Snyder standards, was obviously a “youngster.”

“You see, sometimes in life we worry so much about the destination that we forget about enjoying the journey. And that’s why I’ve decided it’s time my football team had alterna-” Snyder froze and stared intently past the youngster’s right shoulder. It was as if the Earth itself had come screeching to a halt.

It was a goat.

The goat was white, with brown spots, and one of its horns was longer than the other. Even its body was comically disproportionate.

Snyder lost it.

Bill Snyder laughed so hard he bent over, slapped his right knee and tears dripped down from his glowing pink face.

The goat, startled, scampered ludicrously over the hill, nearly falling down several times.

“That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever saw!” Snyder bellowed between peals of hysterical laughter. “Oh my God!”

Later reports indicate that Snyder’s laugh, so deep and full, was heard in Council Grove and over communication devices within and around Fort Riley, many miles from the location of what came to be called “the Goat Incident.” Even years later, they still argue in Alta Vista’s post office about who really heard Snyder’s blast of levity that day, and who simply claim they heard it, solely for the attention.

Little did Snyder  know, that youngster news reporter was both a time traveler and a wordsmith. After the hike with Snyder ended, the reporter traveled back in time – “Terminator” style, allegedly – centuries earlier, and coined the term “Billy Goat”, in honor of the legendary coach and animal that cracked Snyder’s funny bone so hard.

(That news reporter later died of the Bubonic Plague, due to a time-skip error on his iPhone5s “time-traveler” app.)

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When Jug of Snyder asked me to come on board, Jameson asked what name I would give this humor column, and “Bill Snyder Laughed SO Hard…” struck me. Furthermore, when thinking about how I would start this thing, I thought more about what would  Bill Snyder indeed laugh at SO hard? For some reason, Snyder observing a weird goat immediately popped into my mind. Who put a little something-something extra in my drink that morning, right? (I did.) Yet, I laughed out loud–or “LOL’d” for you youngsters out there.

I have one rule in comedy, my friends, and it is this: If I laugh, then I like it. Sure, I may be a bit nuts, but it works for me. And come on… Snyder manically laughing at a messed up goat is hilarious. Maybe Snyder would feel the goat represents a social commentary on the spread offense? Maybe he thinks it represents the current health care debate? Who knows… the man is legendary for keeping his cards close to the vest.

Nonetheless, it’s my hope, through this (possibly true) yarn I relayed above, that you now have the “gist” of what this column is all about.

It’s about funny things.

And it’s about my attempts to get others to notice the funny in the things that make me laugh.

I’ve covered – and continue to cover – various high school, college and professional sports through the serious lens of the sports writer for the Manhattan Mercury. But the rest of the time, I’m joking around–laughing and enjoying the hilarity that is life.

That’s where this column comes in. Here, I will give you a look into my sometimes-warped mind on a weekly basis. (God bless all of you, and God speed with that.)

Will I be able to viciously mock LeBron James a week from now if the self-anointed one fails once again in his quest for just one NBA ring? Even if he wins, he’ll consistently be reminded that the man some seem to think he’d suddenly turn into – His Airness, Michael Jordan – has six.

Will I forcefully – no pun intended – use a Star Wars reference to describe how my football card collection at my parent’s house is “important” and must not be sold at my mom’s next garage sale a month from now?

Will I be (sarcastically) shocked and run naked through Vanier Football Complex (after a jaunt through the quad and past the gymnasium) when Snyder answers “No.”, once again,  after a youngster (non-time traveler) news reporter asks about the possibility of an alternate-black K-State uniform for the upcoming season?

I might. I just might.

And you’ll get to read it here, every week, on Jug of Snyder, and through BSLSH (or “B-Slush”). I think you’ll enjoy it–and I know I will.

Let’s stop, and enjoy the journey.