Fake Patty’s Day Sports
By Dave Thoman
Scott Sewell-USA TODAY Sports
Fake Patty’s Day: no one else gets it, Manhattanites live it. Here at Jug of Snyder, we typically limit our coverage to football, basketball, and other “University sanctioned” sports. However, with Fake Patty’s Day only two days away, we’d like to offer some advice for kicking off the holiday. Additionally the City of Manhattan and Riley County Police Department have issued a list of prohibited activities, so The Jug offers some, er, alternatives to the illegal activities the Police Department would like to point out will be enforced on Saturday. And now that sports have been mentioned in the first paragraph, our network will hopefully be placated since, between us, we’re totally not talking about the NCAA tournament or beginning of baseball season going forward. Note: Jug of Snyder does not endorse excessive drinking or consumption by minors. We extremely endorse hitting Aggieville hard on Saturday.
Minor in Possession of Alcoholic Beverages: Obviously, no one under the age of 21 should be drinking. If you see one, chase them down and conduct a citizen’s arrest. Good speed workout for both you and the underclassmen.
Transporting an Open Container: Do not transport an open container. Closed containers can be transported all day long. Carrying a keg down Claflin and up a flight of stairs will burn off most of the calories inside of the keg. Be sure to avoid that missing step your worthless landlord hasn’t fixed yet. Also be sure to avoid that other step you haven’t told your landlord about accidentally burning a hole in during a misguided attempt to make homemade fireworks.
Intoxicated Pedestrian in the Street: This doesn’t say anything about acting like an intoxicated pedestrian in the street. Running up and down the streets like an drunk is a great VO2 max workout. Dodging the thousands of other revelers is also a wonderful opportunity to work on those juke moves.
Hosting Minors: Hoisting minors, however, is 100 percent legit. Hoisting from a stationary position is a great triceps workout, while draping one over your back provides the weight resistance for a good squat thrust. Consider using that freshman you just performed a citizen’s arrest on.
Open Saloon: Sounds like a house party. The Jug needs some legal clarification on this one. You should definitely throw a house/K-State watch party. Hey – a piece of the Big 12 regular season title is on the line on Saturday!
Disorderly Conduct (fighting): You have two days to get a permit to host a mixed martial arts event and fight someone in a ring with an authorized referee. From personal experience, there is no greater five minute workout than a wrestling match. And then you can both go grab a beer (O’Doul’s if they’re under 21, of course).
Public Nudity: Stripping can be an excellent workout, but… you know what, we’re not touching this one. Go home with as many shirts as you left the apartment with.
Resisting Arrest: Resisting arrest is actually a great workout. Until you get tazed. It’s highly suggested you not resist arrest.
Possession of Marijuana/Drug Paraphernalia: There’s no need to juice for Fake Patty’s Day – real strength is carrying that keg without the aid of steroids.
Littering: A good citizen will organize a litter clean up, racing to see who can collect the most plastic cups in an hour. Meet The Jug at 8 a.m. sharp. You’ll be bright eyed and bushy tailed by then, right?
In all seriousness, 90 people were arrested last year during Fake Patty’s Day. If you do go out, please be safe. A suggested alternative is getting a caravan to drive down to Stillwater and going crazy after the Wildcats beat the Cowboys – Stillwater’s downtown won’t even know what hit them. And don’t burn couches – that’s for mountain people.